Parting is such sweet sorrow… without the “sweet” or the “sorrow” parts, that is.

So, network TV was my addiction these past two seasons, because a) I don’t have cable and b) looking for a job is depressing and escapism is awesome. People, I watched every new show that had even a smidgen of possibility. But I finally hit the wall of boredom with most of the new offerings of the past two years. Here’s what finally got deleted off my Hulu favorites list and why.

Smash

Oh Smash. I wanted you to be good. I really did. I watched your whole first season. I suffered through your endless awkward plotlines to get to your fun original songs. I put up with you telling me how special Katherine McPhee is in order to enjoy your dance numbers. I was delighted to discover Megan Hilty and see Jack Davenport on American TV, and for these, I thank you. But the time has come to let you go. Play me out, preferably with something from A Chorus Line.

Kiss this show goodbye—

Angelica and Megan.

They did what they had to do,

but I still regret

what I did for Smash, what I did for Smash.

Look, my eyes are dry,

which isn’t all that shocking

since I don’t give a flying fig

for Julia’s husband problems

or Tom’s search for love

or Ivy’s love for drugs.

Gone! Book of Mormon’s gone!

Avenue Q’s gone!

It’s Smash we’ll remember. (Sigh.)

Kiss this show goodbye!

And give me back my hour.

(Nashville’s waiting in the wings…)

Pointless plot, thanks a lot,

for wasting my time, Smash.

Mediocre Smash!

Soon re-booted, Smash

 

Once Upon A Time

I have no good explanation for why I watched an entire season and a half of this idiotic show. Well, I take that back. I have three explanations: Robert Carlyle and Lana Parrilla. And this:

 

Oh, Hook. Never have eyeliner and a prosthetic shepherd’s crook been so swoony. But Once is that worst of combinations, goofy but with no actual sense of humor about itself. This show single-handedly cemented my long-simmering hatred of all things Disney.

Arrow

This show is getting a lot of good press from the sci-fi/fantasy community, and for the life of me I can’t figure out why. It’s torturously predictable, the chemistry between Oliver and Laurel is flat, and frankly, the hero is unlikable. I wrote recently that I never need to see another superhero movie. I guess I’ve hit a saturation point, and the drama of the superhero just fails to move me. So my lack of love for Arrow may be entirely on my cold dead little soul. If so, I’m okay with that. Plus, every time I see John Barrowman in these one-off roles, I just miss Torchwood.

Beauty and the Beast

I had a whole review of this re-boot a couple of months ago, but I was too apathetic to post it. This version in no way resembles the 90’s cult classic it’s supposedly modelled on. That show had pathos, romance, and Vincent’s vividly imagined underground world. This version? It’s like if that show were re-written by an overly literal marketing department.

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