Secret Diary of a Franchise

As enjoyable as the Bourne movies are, it could be that the theme has been tapped out. So to help Hollywood continue to produce them, here are some possible directions.

The Bourne Delusion

Average citizen Ed Bourne (Kevin James) gets knocked on the head after watching too many spy movies and starts acting like a high-strung super-assassin in everyday life. Ed steals a car to get to his job as a tax accountant, exits a dental appointment through the back window, and becomes convinced that his moody teenage daughter is a counter-spy. A trip to the mall culminates in a gripping rooftop chase through the streets of Columbus, Ohio.

The Bourne Analysis

The Treadstone Project relocates to a retirement home in Key Biscayne, where super-spies with PTSD and amnesia learn to play backgammon and work through their feelings. Will Jonas (Russell Crowe) find love and a second chance at a normal life with art therapist Liz (Diane Lane)?

The Bourne Backlash

A shadowy conspiracy forms. Their goal? To send super-assassins against hubristic old CIA operatives who have too many meetings in poorly lit wood-paneled rooms. Pamela Landy is tapped to head the team.

Bourne Again

We revisit Jason Bourne (played by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson), who, after a near-death experience, finds God and feels called to a new career as a charismatic preacher. But will the CIA let him live in peace? Hijinks ensue.*

The Bourne Solution

Treadstone is relaunched as Project BasketO’Puppies. Due to comprehensive mental health benefits, no agents go off the rails and the only conflict is the yearly intramural wiffleball tournament. Channing Tatum and Jason Bateman star.

The Bourne Singularity

The sheer number of Bourne movies finally causes a small black hole to form in the vicinity of Los Angeles. No one is harmed since all production has since moved to Vancouver.


* Hardcore fans of the franchise will later pretend that this movie never existed, à la Highlander 2.

Born Underwater

I’ve been reading Julia Cameron again

Take pen in hand and list the ten most irritating experiences you can self-inflict:

1) Read several years’ worth of The Family Circus.

2) Eat the Dorito bits at the bottom of the bag with a fork.

3) Sign up for extra telemarketing.

4) Marathon Walker, Texas Ranger.

5) Get “Summer Nights” from Grease stuck in your head.

6) Attempt to take action shots with a camera phone. Discover it doesn’t work. Repeat as needed.

7) Set your thermostat to turn up and down at random.

8) Lower your household water pressure.

9) Bang forehead repeatedly with a metal spoon.





Actually I kinda love this picture.

(And I’m still a fan of JC.)